Currently

Right now, I'm trying to keep my distance from paticular people. Getting too close gets problematic, especially with those of the opposite gender.

My quiet time two days ago felt...so plain. Just read the Bible and it was more rules in Deutronomy and then I read in Isaiah about King Hezekiah and the assyrian commander.

Still praying about church, still praying about what to do later.

I realize I don't take enough photographs, and when I do, it's usually church stuff, which is boring and unrewarding. It doesn't really show the extent of my skills or anything.
It's time I start studio work, asking people if they mind getting their picture taken, going on shoots. I meant to go on one this weekend, but the church 30hr famine got in the way. I wonder how that'll be.

I also realize, I need to start hanging out with more college people. But that in and of itself is an issue. No one at church, no one at school because SCAD student life sucks, no one from the old days because they've all changed to hermits in their own way.

This is why I pray. Pray Pray Pray. Every day. About different things.

Earlier this week, a friend of mine asked if I could lend 100 dollars. I was hesitant. If it were one of my closer friends, say someone from church, of course I'd let them borrow it. I'm all for helping those in need. But this friend, I only knew for a couple of months, and even then we only met about three times. It's not because I don't trust that person, but because I haven't built that trust yet. Now though, I feel like it's downhill. I think that person isn't gonna talk to me anymore. I tried hard to at least grow it. That's life.

Stay?

So after today my heart has gone from a sudden shift from wanting to leave to wanting to stay.

but first, Sam jdsn's going away party.

Today was his last day at Immanuel. Sorta sad and emotional at the party, but a good way to thank him and God for what he's done. He's been my yg pastor, em pastor, and just a great example that I can so easily relate to. I'll miss him and his family a lot. I can't imagine Immanuel without him. Pictures shall be posted soon.

So about leaving/staying. I'm still praying about it. But I donno, something at the going away party made me want to stay. That doesn't mean I will though. I'm still giving it time. I still have all of april to decide. The real test begins now.

I was just randomly listening to "Here I am to Worship" and I just got consumed by it. I love it. the chorus goes "here I am to worship, here I am to say that You're my God." So simple, yet everything that's needed to be said is said. I took up my guitar, and played it for about 15 minutes. Just me alone, with my guitar, here, only to worship my Lord, declaring that He's my God. I wanted to cry right then. Just at how great, awesome, merciful, lovely He is.

Fire grow within me.

Bigger Change?

This recently came to my mind today while I was eating lunch with a friend.

Maybe instead of changing churches, God wants me to change colleges? and I'm not talking SCAD-Atlanta to Georgia Tech/State. But I'm talking like NYU,Parsons,Pratt, etc etc.

The way I see it, my college right now is a good art school. But that's all there is. There's no socializing going on, no events, no major big campus (unless you go to the main one). And after this year, a lot of my friends will be going their separate ways. So then no one to really hang with, even at church.

And it's simply just time for change.

Well it's too late to apply for fall semester, but there's always spring.
I'll have to see. I'll have to pray.

Update

I've been thinking about what I'm going to do this summer.
I've been asked so many times "are you going to Peru mission trip this summer?"

I don't think I'll go. Because
I don't think I'll be in Immanuel by then.
I haven't made an absolute decision yet. But I think my heart is telling me that it's time to move. I'm still praying about it and I still need to be sure about it. But I have this feeling that's pointing towards moving. I'll make a final 100% decision before the end of April.

In other news, I don't think I'll be going the korea this summer either. Rather, I think I'm going to Australia for the Hillsong United 2010 Conference. It's time something new come along. I really think this is it. Something that'll teach me new things about worship and God. I'm praying about this too. Asking God if I can go haha. Literally though I am. I really want to go. It's a big deal for me, so we'll see.

Inner Feelings

God what do you want me to do?

This world keeps attacking me.

Make me strong.

Relationships have always been on my mind. I've actually never had an official girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. I've definitely come close. But one way or another it never came about. I haven't had my first kiss, first date, not even held hands with a girl.

I'm suppose to be proud of this. I'm upholding my purity and my integrity with my future wife, if God permits. But I can't help but sometimes feel depressed or alone.

Today during accountability I shared this. I set aside a period of time just to pray. One of my prayers was one that I already prayed months ago, but I needed to pray it again. "God, if this person isn't the one you want me to be with, if it's not time and if it's not Your will for me to be with someone, then please take away the desire." I keep having this problem. This desire that I need someone. I prayed that for the last person I was interested in, and God answered, but do I need to constantly pray it when I find interest in someone new?

I still have a lot to pray about. Choices I make, the way I live, the things in this world that need God.

I have to endure through the pain. That's what faith is. Still believing through the pain.

Go?

Right now, what's on my mind is church.

I'm wondering if I should change. This time it's not because of the people or the spiritual environment.

But I'm wondering if right now this church can do anything for me. It certainly did when I was in high school, but the college ministry is much more different. Rather, it's passive. Not to mention, everyone there is about 2 years older than I am and different.

Right now, or rather soon, the EM will undergo a dramatic change. Or maybe not so dramatic? There's going to be a pastor change. Will this help or hurt the ministry? Will I grow if I stay here?

I do want to go to a more...perhaps capable college ministry. One that will really change me and renew me. Maybe that means going somewhere else, well, that can only mean going somewhere else with the way things are right now. But what's holding me back is fear. Will I fit in at a new church? Will I be able to become a praise leader there? Will I come closer to God?

I'm not in youth group anymore, but I still pretend I am. I think it's time I really move on and go to the next thing.

I'm looking back at my zion days. I really miss those days. My faith back then wasn't really strong. I probably went to church more for the people rather than God. But even that alone. The people around me at Zion had a heart for God. I could tell, and that does make a difference. Not saying that Immanuel doesn't in any way. I wonder why it fell. Why did the people leave? and so quickly?

It's also really sad to see the people from the EM ministry from Zion now mostly don't go to church. I really can't think of anyone who currently attends church or has grown in faith. Rather, I think most of them have gone backwards and fallen.

But those were the good days weren't they? back when we all hung out after church. went to someone's place just talked about cars, played games, watch tv, cook, go to the park, or something. We always found something enjoyable to do.

Though, now we're all separated. Relationships ruin friendships. One friend dates another friend only to break up down the road and never talk to each other again. In turn neither hang out with the rest of the old gang. That's how it always is. That's what it's come to now. Everyone just living their lives. No contact, no get togethers, no cya later.

Love

It's finals week. So I'm coming up on doing a lot of work. Especially photography. Hate my professor in that class. I really have to push myself on this one. Because she knows what I can do, so I have to actually try on this last project. The photo shoot I did today literally had me sweating. Getting equipment set up, getting in weird/uncomfortable positions, moving things around. Tiring. But I look at that picture I posted, and man, I'm good. Or rather...God made me good haha.

Church has been better. It's improving. Speaking for myself only though. I'm being more loving. I was doing last week's quiet time and reading "Forgotten God." It talked about how God has given us all gifts. He cared enough about us to give us these things that we should care enough for others. God has given us gifts and our gift back to God is serving Him using those gifts. There was a verse from 1 Corinthians, and Paul was talking about how if he could talk the language of angels, know all knowledge, and give up all his possession for the poor, that if he did all that but it was without love, then it's all meaningless. That really opened my eyes. I didn't love enough. I didn't love my church enough. That's why I'd been failing and falling. God loved me enough to make me a worship leader. So I will love others to bring them to God.

Stay healthy, Praise God. Thank Him so you don't get prideful.