What happened? Haha, such a dramatic change from the last post to this one. I thought everything was going well but maybe it was just the emotional excitement that so many couples go through in the first three months.
Maybe it was for the better. We hadn't talked for about a week because of some stupid thing. Really though, I was waiting on her to initiate for once. Then the church retreat came and she said hi when we passed by. I was planning on ending it that week. I already met with the pastor (who told me three months before not to do it) explaining him what's been happening. I come home and see a text that was from her, but I couldn't get it at the retreat because there was no service.
After ending it, explaining to her that I wanted her to pursue God and to love Him more than me, I ended it. Not to say that we were officially dating. We never held hands or anything physical, but emotionally we were. No, I'm not using God as an excuse to end the relationship. I still have feelings for this person and will for quite some time. She was a new Christian, maybe a year old faith wise, compared to me who is say four years old with a whole background of Christian upbringing. What I knew and what she knew just didn't match. I didn't want to be the reason why she reads her Bible every day, rather I want her to experience it herself. And all the more, I can't even take responsibility for myself to read and pray each day. I can't lead a woman like a man is called to. I'm immature.
You know, I think most people would think I'm taking things too seriously. Sometimes I'll ask people do you think you will marry the person you're dating? and that person will say no. Then what is the whole point? Dating just to waste time and have fun? What a waste of time, energy, and hardening of the heart.
I wish we could still be together. I regret ending it. I regret listening to the pastors and even to an extent being a leader. It drove me crazy when I saw other guys praying for you and when you hang out with other guys. But what can I do, you were never really mine to begin with.
It's been about two weeks now. I've been getting by. It's not as nearly as bad as it was, but it gets better as time goes by.
If I had to tell you something right now it would be that I didn't end it because I didn't like you. That's very much not the reason, but truly, I want you to love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength before you give your heart to any other guy. Watch out for guys who just want to use you. I pray that God will protect your heart. I miss you, and take care.
This, and my parents are having issues to...sigh.
