Inner Feelings

God what do you want me to do?

This world keeps attacking me.

Make me strong.

Relationships have always been on my mind. I've actually never had an official girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. I've definitely come close. But one way or another it never came about. I haven't had my first kiss, first date, not even held hands with a girl.

I'm suppose to be proud of this. I'm upholding my purity and my integrity with my future wife, if God permits. But I can't help but sometimes feel depressed or alone.

Today during accountability I shared this. I set aside a period of time just to pray. One of my prayers was one that I already prayed months ago, but I needed to pray it again. "God, if this person isn't the one you want me to be with, if it's not time and if it's not Your will for me to be with someone, then please take away the desire." I keep having this problem. This desire that I need someone. I prayed that for the last person I was interested in, and God answered, but do I need to constantly pray it when I find interest in someone new?

I still have a lot to pray about. Choices I make, the way I live, the things in this world that need God.

I have to endure through the pain. That's what faith is. Still believing through the pain.

Go?

Right now, what's on my mind is church.

I'm wondering if I should change. This time it's not because of the people or the spiritual environment.

But I'm wondering if right now this church can do anything for me. It certainly did when I was in high school, but the college ministry is much more different. Rather, it's passive. Not to mention, everyone there is about 2 years older than I am and different.

Right now, or rather soon, the EM will undergo a dramatic change. Or maybe not so dramatic? There's going to be a pastor change. Will this help or hurt the ministry? Will I grow if I stay here?

I do want to go to a more...perhaps capable college ministry. One that will really change me and renew me. Maybe that means going somewhere else, well, that can only mean going somewhere else with the way things are right now. But what's holding me back is fear. Will I fit in at a new church? Will I be able to become a praise leader there? Will I come closer to God?

I'm not in youth group anymore, but I still pretend I am. I think it's time I really move on and go to the next thing.

I'm looking back at my zion days. I really miss those days. My faith back then wasn't really strong. I probably went to church more for the people rather than God. But even that alone. The people around me at Zion had a heart for God. I could tell, and that does make a difference. Not saying that Immanuel doesn't in any way. I wonder why it fell. Why did the people leave? and so quickly?

It's also really sad to see the people from the EM ministry from Zion now mostly don't go to church. I really can't think of anyone who currently attends church or has grown in faith. Rather, I think most of them have gone backwards and fallen.

But those were the good days weren't they? back when we all hung out after church. went to someone's place just talked about cars, played games, watch tv, cook, go to the park, or something. We always found something enjoyable to do.

Though, now we're all separated. Relationships ruin friendships. One friend dates another friend only to break up down the road and never talk to each other again. In turn neither hang out with the rest of the old gang. That's how it always is. That's what it's come to now. Everyone just living their lives. No contact, no get togethers, no cya later.

Love

It's finals week. So I'm coming up on doing a lot of work. Especially photography. Hate my professor in that class. I really have to push myself on this one. Because she knows what I can do, so I have to actually try on this last project. The photo shoot I did today literally had me sweating. Getting equipment set up, getting in weird/uncomfortable positions, moving things around. Tiring. But I look at that picture I posted, and man, I'm good. Or rather...God made me good haha.

Church has been better. It's improving. Speaking for myself only though. I'm being more loving. I was doing last week's quiet time and reading "Forgotten God." It talked about how God has given us all gifts. He cared enough about us to give us these things that we should care enough for others. God has given us gifts and our gift back to God is serving Him using those gifts. There was a verse from 1 Corinthians, and Paul was talking about how if he could talk the language of angels, know all knowledge, and give up all his possession for the poor, that if he did all that but it was without love, then it's all meaningless. That really opened my eyes. I didn't love enough. I didn't love my church enough. That's why I'd been failing and falling. God loved me enough to make me a worship leader. So I will love others to bring them to God.

Stay healthy, Praise God. Thank Him so you don't get prideful.

hurting...
God help me...

evaluation

on what? my life

Things I've done differently since the retreat/new years-nothing

What's different about me-self forgiveness + nothing

I feel like...I'm falling. Me and God have been distant. I think I've lost the heart of worship when I do. I constantly find myself judging others so harshly with no consideration of how they might feel or what others think about me. My desires are more of what lenses and video games I want rather than how I can get closer to God.

Right now, I just walk the walk. I still hold to my principles. However, I only do things that I'm suppose to, but my heart is somewhere else. I'm just actions and performance.

What happened to me? What happened to the me a year ago who was so passionate and on fire for God and for church? I was so eager back then for God. I read my Bible just about everyday and wanted more. Now I struggle to do any quiet time and yet to do one this week. Rather than wanting to do it I do it out of duty or because I "should" be doing it.

I look at the yg praise teams, and all I think is disappointment and dryness. At the same time when I'm up there with the EM praise team everything about the music is great, but my heart feels so empty. I look at people in the yg and think "why are they like that?" "if he/she could only spend the same amount of time they do on ### on God how great their faith would be" "why are so devoted to school and celebrities but not God?" "Once important people leave and Jdsn leaves, it's over for the EM and YG ministries, better think of looking for another church."
Just judgement after judgement.

I've been worrying a lot. About what God wants me to do. It's been on my mind a lot. My plans are to get new lenses, studio equipment, go to korea and boston, but what I want to do doesn't matter. I'm not in control. God is. He can do whatever.

I forgot my ultimate goals: to serve others, to serve God, to be humble and loving, to use my guitar to lead worship and move hearts, to become a great worship leader for God and only God.

I'm wondering, what do I need to go back to that place? What's the first step to returning?

Old, simple songs are starting to have a bigger place in my heart right now.
Here I am to Worship. Just me, my guitar, and God.

Wow

It's been awhile hasn't it?


Sorry, I find it hard to write nowadays. I haven't been doing my quiet times as often. Wow...



Last night was the first night of the quarter where I stayed up doing work. I thought I'd never have to do that again but who am I kidding. I hate color theory. The teacher doesn't understand how much work she's giving us. Several projects at once not to mention the weekly homeworks we're suppose to be doing but can't -.-

Recently, I went on my first city photoshoot as an assignment for my photo class. It was a decent experience. I walked up and down peachtree in downtown. Very different from other parts of Atlanta. Many...blacks haha. It was really intimidating. I was part afraid that I might get mugged and part afraid that people won't like having someone going around taking pictures. But I didn't really run into any big problem. I tried to snap a shot of these men playing dominos and they freaked out. Told me to stop. They were probably gambling. It's definitely something I'd like to do again with a prime lens though.

In other news I got a dog. She's about 7 weeks old and she's a maltese. Really cute and small. She behaves but I wonder how long that's gonna last. It's always a few days that a new puppy is timid a shy but once it gets familiar it starts its path of destruction. At least she's a small dog.

I'm trying to sell some of my photo gear. Trying to move onto prime lenses and sell my zooms except my bazooka. I have a few people interest. Let's hope something comes through. But I'll first need to use that money to buy my dad a birthday gift. Wow...I wonder what I should give him. Since I'll have hundreds of dollars from selling my old camera, maybe a new coat? nice pair of dress pants or something.

Church has been...rather bland. I really enjoy EM praise team however. I feel like the sermons and events dont really get to me and there's been a lack of motivation for people to serve or maintain the positions they're in charge of. Also, the yg is really divided despite us having a retreat about forgiveness and healing. It got worse and people are hating and holding grudges even more. I feel like the yg is where it was when I left. Back to the same spot which was why I left 2-3 years ago. I want to leave. Or at least only focus on EM. but EM itself is rather dormant and will probably stay that way since the jdsn will leave and the church isn't at good standings at all. I really question what'll happen at this point. I was thinking about it, and I need to fast. Not now though because I barely have the energy to get through the day with school and work. But spring break I want to devote to God and prayer and fasting. I want to know what He wants me to do and what the next step should be because I don't know what to do right now. I need to do something that'll grow my faith, not just maintain it. I want to go on a mission trip. A well organized one that'll give me a humbling experience. Our church is going to Peru this year with a select few members but I have no desire to go because I'm apprehensive towards the adult ministry for several reasons and they're in charge of it.

Maybe it is time for me to go? Somewhere that'll bring me more oppurtunities and show me even more the glory of God. I don't mind small churches. I don't mind starting something. All I want to do is worship for the rest of my life. People normally wish for well paying careers, good looking spouses, worldly things that don't last, but me and my close friend. We wish we were worship leaders that would lead thousands, possibly millions, to God. Instead of our examples being 2pm, Big Bang, Brittany Spears, Kim Kardashian, we look up to Joel Houston, Jad Gillies, Louie Giglio, John Piper. People who work for the Kingdom of God. I wish I could see more people like us, not to say that I'm exemplary or anything. But it is hard to see any encouragements around these days.

I've been thinking a lot about the future. Wondering what God wants me to do. If I should change things up. Minor in graphic design or creative writing. Go to seminary.

Also the end of the world. It's really been on my mind. I had a dream about it and my friends have too. I think it's coming soon. Within my lifetime, and if not, within the next generation of people for sure. The signs all match. Things seem to only be getting worse. Increase in divorce, increase in violence (African genocide, Middle East unrest), increase in destruction by natural disasters (Haiti,California fires and severe rains, global warming), increase in the people who idolize other "gods" (celebrities, sports, games, alcohol, drugs, other activities), increase in the number of gay people and odd things like that, increase in the number of autistic children and AIDS. It's rare that anything decreases. Except for maybe the number of people who are attending church with the right heart and mind. I need to read Revelations, but I'm already reading Isaiah and Deuteronomy and I don't wanna skip around even more. Alot of people are scared about the world ending. But I'm not. I'm ready for it.

I know where I'm going.

Gives Me Hope

So it's once again been awhile since I've posted here. Sorry for that. Never easy keeping up with these things. Since my last post the most major events are Christmas, Winter Retreat, New Years.

Christmas was pretty good. I took a picture of my family without me. It was gonna be my parent's present but i wasnt in it so i wanted to take another with me in it but never got then chance... so the once with 3/4 of my family will have to do.

New Years was okay too. just went to church service and had a few friends come over to just hang with.

The retreat however was ... very dynamic. I was very tired since I took on pretty much 3 roles and none were easy. It's focus was on forgiveness and healing. The first few days seemed really bland and dormant in God's presence. For me at least. But the last night, which is typical. for the most part i thought "i dont really need healing or forgiveness of any sort. I dont hate anyone or nothing's really hurt me." But the my pastor mentioned memories, and like a key unlocks a door a sudden flood of painful memories of me and my mother came in. One specifically of when I was at my little brother's elementary parent student thing and I remembered that the PE teachers had the kids dance with their parents. And i saw all those kids dancing with their parents. It sounds foolish but i was sooo jealous. I wanted to dance with my mother, or see my brother dance with my mother, but she couldn't because she's blind. and that one memory hurt me so much. I also had great guilt and self degredation because I felt like i was such a burden to my parents and that i wasnt good enough for God to love me. I always take take take from them and rarely ever give back to them. That and our family seems really aloof. But a dear friend of mine came over and just talked to me. She told me that Jesus gets so happy when I praise him in worship and that he loves me like my parents do. That I should forgive myself and remember that God loves me no matter what and that it hurts Him that I deny myself of his Love so much. It just really opened my eyes. I can't say that I'm 100% there yet, but it's a lot better than before. It's a slow process, but i can say that now i can talk of those memories without feeling so guilty and responsible.

There's this one yg 7th grader who often brings a friend to our church just to have him exposed to God. He's not really Christian, and his parents don't really like him going to church. But I think God will work in him. On facebook, my status was simply "forgiveness guys :)" and it seemed to really open his mind up to God and his love. It's great to see him at least acknoledge God and Jesus and know that he prays in Jesus's name. I say that because I felt like when I said God he might have thought of Allah or some other god, but when I mentioned that he should end with "in Jesus name Amen" and listened! not only that he said God amazes him. WHAT THE...God is Amazing! and this kid! this little kid who hasn't really been around a church much, acknowledges him. Wow


"How great you are, O Sovereign LORD! There is no one like you, and there is no God but you, as we have heard with our own ears."

2 Samuel 7:22