So it's once again been awhile since I've posted here. Sorry for that. Never easy keeping up with these things. Since my last post the most major events are Christmas, Winter Retreat, New Years.
Christmas was pretty good. I took a picture of my family without me. It was gonna be my parent's present but i wasnt in it so i wanted to take another with me in it but never got then chance... so the once with 3/4 of my family will have to do.
New Years was okay too. just went to church service and had a few friends come over to just hang with.
The retreat however was ... very dynamic. I was very tired since I took on pretty much 3 roles and none were easy. It's focus was on forgiveness and healing. The first few days seemed really bland and dormant in God's presence. For me at least. But the last night, which is typical. for the most part i thought "i dont really need healing or forgiveness of any sort. I dont hate anyone or nothing's really hurt me." But the my pastor mentioned memories, and like a key unlocks a door a sudden flood of painful memories of me and my mother came in. One specifically of when I was at my little brother's elementary parent student thing and I remembered that the PE teachers had the kids dance with their parents. And i saw all those kids dancing with their parents. It sounds foolish but i was sooo jealous. I wanted to dance with my mother, or see my brother dance with my mother, but she couldn't because she's blind. and that one memory hurt me so much. I also had great guilt and self degredation because I felt like i was such a burden to my parents and that i wasnt good enough for God to love me. I always take take take from them and rarely ever give back to them. That and our family seems really aloof. But a dear friend of mine came over and just talked to me. She told me that Jesus gets so happy when I praise him in worship and that he loves me like my parents do. That I should forgive myself and remember that God loves me no matter what and that it hurts Him that I deny myself of his Love so much. It just really opened my eyes. I can't say that I'm 100% there yet, but it's a lot better than before. It's a slow process, but i can say that now i can talk of those memories without feeling so guilty and responsible.
There's this one yg 7th grader who often brings a friend to our church just to have him exposed to God. He's not really Christian, and his parents don't really like him going to church. But I think God will work in him. On facebook, my status was simply "forgiveness guys :)" and it seemed to really open his mind up to God and his love. It's great to see him at least acknoledge God and Jesus and know that he prays in Jesus's name. I say that because I felt like when I said God he might have thought of Allah or some other god, but when I mentioned that he should end with "in Jesus name Amen" and listened! not only that he said God amazes him. WHAT THE...God is Amazing! and this kid! this little kid who hasn't really been around a church much, acknowledges him. Wow
"How great you are, O Sovereign LORD! There is no one like you, and there is no God but you, as we have heard with our own ears."
2 Samuel 7:22
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