What is this?

No really what is this?
If feel more and more reluctant to go to this winter retreat as it gets closer and closer.
Last Sunday's praise was just not it.
And today I read that my yg pastor was finalizing the song list. As soon as I read that I sort of felt angry. I was afraid that he'd take out all the faster songs and add too many slower songs or songs that don't fit the yg. I had this mentality of "if you were gonna do that, why make me create the list and take the time in the first place?" Instantly, there my musician's side of me came through. I take my music playing seriously. I've been playing music whether piano, guitar, saxophone since I've been in elementary school so it's integrated into me. The rhythm, the crescendos and decrescendos, melody>harmony, quiet verses and loud choruses, it's all in my head. It's winning over the worship portion of the praise team. And then I thought "I'm not suppose to be this." I feel like I'm not suppose to be a praise leader. I'm not worthy. I sin too much, I care about the musical aspect too much, I'm not humble enough. But I can't just back out now, that'd be way to detrimental to the retreat. When I think about though, I'm not really needed am I? Maybe these are things the last praise leader had going through his mind and that's why he ultimately cracked and left for a few months, possibly years. I think that's why I like simpler worships. Where it's just me and the guitar like the sunday night Bible studies because I don't have to worry about how the music sounds.

Tonight I did my QT and it was about Moses and his death. I'm in Deutronomy so it's coming down to the last moment of his life. In Numbers, Moses disobeys God because he's overwhelmed with anger from the constant complaining that the Israelites give him and their lack of faith. Resulting in Moses striking the rock twice for water when God commanded him to speak to it for water. God got angry and said that Moses couldn't go into the promised land like the Israelites could.

Now, isn't that kind of unfair? Here you have a man whose devoted his whole life to God and basically listened to everything he did and followed his for several years. But the one time he messes up, God doesn't allow him to go to the promised land. Moses even asks later if he can go, but God says with a harsh "Enough, I don't want to hear you talk about this anymore."

Isn't God suppose to be just? I thought he understood and was fair? Forgiving? It literally says in Deutronomy that God will discipline those who fall away from him, but if they confess their sins and turn the other way, he'll accept them back and restore them.

So then, why not Moses? He confessed his sin, why take him out of those standards? Can he not redeem himself through repentance? I certainly think he deserves more than the Israelites. He was faithful through it all, but the Israelites constantly fell away from God and constantly idolled other gods. But they get to still go to the promised land? and then I thought, it's all sort of unfair isn't it? What if Moses was born after Jesus? then would he had been forgiven since thats the period of the forgiving God? But we don't get to choose when we're born.

Did I really have a choice? I was born into a Christian family. Forced to go to church and participate. So is there free will in that? I guess there is since I didn't really become a real Christian until high school but still. What about the people born into Islam or Buddhism, they didn't have choice. Was it not God who chose for them? But then don't they go to hell? Where's the reasoning in that?

Repentance=confession of sin(s), then turning away and never doing it again. Not simply saying I'm sorry and going back. So then how do we keep from going back? A lot of times we say we repent, but go back into those same patterns, me included. I think if you truly repent, it reflects your willingness to change. In order to change, you have to sacrifice something. Maybe say "I repent for being a bad son." So then what I have to do is stop, stop being introverted, be more affectionate and loving, at the cost of sacrificing time, emotions, etc.

God is still good. All the time.